Do not be deceived, fellow travelers! Tropical areas are truly a beautiful thing to behold… during the day… but beware, night cometh when all manner of slimy, sticky, scaly, slithering, stinging, soaring, and sassing creatures shall haunt your path… and your bed… and behind your curtains… and your dressers… and inside your shoes.
Oh, I wouldn’t step there if I were you… or there… or there… or there… Actually, I suggest you fly.
If you cannot fly on your own than we have three affordable options: Pegasus, phoenix, or cockroach. Actually, the phoenix just retired at Hogwarts and you just missed the last Pegasus by a couple of centuries: so close! I apologize for the inconvenience. I understand. Yes, of course. Absolutely, it’s an emergency. And you need one now. I’m sorry, ma’am, but the only thing left is the flying coach *cough* cockroach. It’s very reliable, I assure you! I use it myself rather regularly to get out of sticky –literally- situations. The latest model had been known to survive every atomic bomb, extreme radiation, and every known explosions. We offer complimentary travel insurance as well as a bottle of wine with every flight.
You’ll take it?
Please, sign here… and here…and here… and here… aaaaaand we’re all set!
Madam, your coach –uhhh- cockroach awaits! You shall find your ride either under your bed, behind the curtain in your room, or inside the vanity in the bathroom.
You think I’m joking? Ha, clearly you’ve never been to a tropical area.
I’ve recently had the pleasure of hosting my first guest in my room. His name was Sebastian: a very shy fellow though very amiable. I woke up and there he was! Just standing in the middle of my room waiting to greet me good morning. I was a bit startled but soon realized that there are way worse things to wake up to. I could go into a tirade right about now concerning the spider that had galloped across the room to seek refuge beneath my bed. The ground shook beneath his mighty legs, fire came out of his nostrils with every breath, and I’m pretty sure a white walker was astride him. Whatever he was running from, I’d better gallop under the bed beside him because if there something out there worse than him, than someone call the priest so I can be administered the last rites because I can feel a fatal heart attack coming… just saying – and I’m not even Catholic! I could go into quite a tirade about that but I’ll spare you the gory details.
So yes, way worse things to wake up than a foot long lizard. He stayed three days! We shared the same bed: I the top and he the bottom. I was really beginning to get used to him, and just as I was making plans of clearing a corner of my bed for him to curl up in, he left! Once more feeling the pain of utter rejection, I looked for him and found him not. Sebastian, you shall be missed! Who else will guard me against the terrors of the night? I wrote this poem in your honor.
Though scales and claws you did possess
T’was fear at first sight, I do confess
You won my trust though in the end,
My thoughts of you, as to a friend.
(P.s. I hope you didn’t die under my bed… or behind the mini fridge… or beneath the cabinet in the corner… or inside my whicker basket in my nightstand where I keep my secret stash of Nutella.)
Originally published on April 27, 2016 from the comforts of my bed -somewhere in a small Australian bungalow- as no toe shall be sacrificed to the mammoth spider under my bed.